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writing is an issue

I am not the best writer in the world for several reasons.  One reason is that I have a learning disability and well school was a challenge for me.  I was not diagnosed until I was in my thirties, I did go through some classes that helped with it, but still have trouble with writing.  So what you get in this Blog is not totally correct in the grammar department oh well… And I am glad for spell check, spelling is another problem area.  I am not writing this to have anyone feel sorry for me, but I want to get this out in the open and stop living a lie.  I AM DEPRESSED AND HAVE PTSD. 

I have been through some shit in my life.  Sometimes I really felt like I was going to lose it.  We can understand physical aliments, but when it comes to the mind we still are in the dark.  It is something that is not talked about in polite circles. What a bunch crap that is.  If one talks about do you think you will end up with a mental health issue?  Are we that scared?  Are we that ashamed?  Are you afraid you don’t know what to say?  Ask me anything.  It is my choice to answer you or just say I don’t want to say.  One word not to use is crazy, it’s cruel to say.  It hurts.  It leaves scares.  And makes healing even harder.  Do I deserve for you to be so judgemental?  Are really better than me?  Have you lived my life? Impossible.  For I am who I am DEPRESSED PTSD Womyn… 

This is no logic or flow in this Blog, I am writing as my mind goes along, so I’ll be jumping around, just like I do in real life. 

In today’s world we are so wrapped up in technology, we really are creating a more lonely world.  Everything is instant.  We need and need it now, we have no patience for snails.  The world comes out us not only from TVs but our computers, cell phones, etc… fast fast fast and all those geeks out there are working hard to make it even faster…  Superman faster than a speeding bullet.  Now the bullets are faster.  Why I am blabbing on about this, because I believe there is a connection for so many people being DEPRESSED today.   The failure of the economy is a huge factor for increasing numbers.  Do you think anyone was happy during the Great Depression?  The pressure is overwhelming and getting worse.  Wow, I really did go off, but like I said it is my Blog and I am trying to figure out the relationship I have with DEPRESSION. 

Whew, I am done for this posting.  More to come…

depression and other disabilities of the mind….

like having depression is not enough of a hard full time job. add one big cup of dyslexia and well it just is amazing bunch of junk…
for one thing I know I am not that great at writing. and when I post on facebook I hear about it, oh yes it just makes me so proud to be called stupid. like I haven’t heard that enough through out my life.
look the rules of writing are crazy, does anyone really understand it… they should have thought harder on that one before driving us crazy for centuries, do we blame the British for that mess. let’s do it anyway, no offense, I like your country, give us some great music, and that dry sense of humor is catchy. speliing don’t get me started on that one.

I tend to have a mind that is always thinking two steps ahead, the thoughts race around my head like a day Indie speedway… One thing we like to do or should I say I like to do, is when I have a hard time spelling, will shorten the word or something like that.
look it is simple I am not going to follow the masses, never have, never will. I have a hard time with structered anything, love to think outside the box, color outside the lines, and most don’t care what others really think.
you don’t like my writing, move on… just kidding…
solutions is another power of mine, I have always been able to think fast and the saying goes, think fast on my feet.

oh no did it again went way off the train of thought and what I wanted to write about, I could torture you and make you until my lasy butt feels like writing again, or my depression decides it wants me to sleep some more.

see, right now even after my morning coffee I am fighting off sleep, I really want to put down my laptop and sleep… my little Xena Princess Warrior (kitt) is sleeping next to me and want to have her life, sleep, eat, pee, poop, get petted, be told I am loved, rinse and repeat…

so, I will be back in awhile, in the meantime write and catch up on to this blog about…

Now let’s talk about Mental Health

I am amazed how after this latest killing that maybe this country will grow up and talk about a few things. Mental Health and gun control.
I guess all the other shootings was not enough to have this talk.
The killing of 20 young Americans is sad legacy they leave.
Lost is this tiny slice of this of peaceful living is destroyed.
The pain is something we can only image. It is something that has touched us, but only from a distance.
Is this what nightmares are made of, why did it show up in a classroom.
No answers.
We can get angry, hate the killer, feel sad. But, we will never be able to know the hearts that are breaking into millions of pieces.
I have seem the pain in a parents eyes when my best friend was murdered.
It is something you never forget and I still feel the pain of when I found out.
I can remember what I was doing and how life felt from then on.
It changes you. It wakes you up. It takes away a person in your life that meant so much, a connection.
But, a mother who loses a child. There will never be enough words of comfort.
Don’t say god had plans. It was meant to be. Big time BS.
I never felt that way, they are better being here to be a part of life.
When a dad losing a child they feel so powerless? Why couldn’t I be there and take that bullet? All the guilt, all the shame.
We need to start to feel more for each other, be there, look up and into the eyes of others.
After 9/11 I thought this country came together for the greater good of human kind.
Why didn’t it last? Was this done by two wars,…By the ecomony …
Or by the selvish society we have become.
It is hard to say. It is not that hard to be kind others. But, why wait until these horrible times to show the world who we are as a Nation.
People control how they want to be. People control how they live. People control only themselves. But, when you put a gun in your hand only you can control the outcome.

lost in suicidal ideology

It is amazing that when someone commits suicide you hear I had no idea, or I thought they were kidding. I remember in one of my college classes hearing this statement, everyone thinks about suicide at sometime in their life. 

Yet, we wonder why someone would do such a horrible selfish act.  It happens when one really does not see any other way to deal with life.  Sad…

 I have been going to therapy for while now and I get asked all the time, am I feeling suicidal, do I have any weapons, have I thought how I would end my life.  No do you have some ideas?  Do you really think if I really wanted to end my life I would tell you?  A big NO on that one, that is why suicide is a successful act for someone who wants to die.
 

Death is not really something we want to think or talk about for many reasons.  Why?  Because we really don’t know what to say about this complex part of life.  

Do people kill themselves to get attention. I find that strange, because if you are successful the only attention you’ll get is at your funeral.

You may be wondering why am I writing this, after I just wrote about depression.  Now that is a toxic cocktail, depression and suicide.  Maybe a study needs to be done.  Are all suicides really depressed people or are there reasons so complex that the most brilliant minds can’t figure it out. I think that will always be a mystery.

I am not writing this to give any permission to commit suicide.  But really like it to talked about more, try to understand the signs.  Pay attention to the moods of those around you. Have a dialog with your family, your partner, your therapist, maybe then we can really save a life.  Talking about suicide needs to come out of the closet.

Call Suicide Hotline:  1-800-723-8255

Some many resources are available, keep at least this number handy.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

www.afsp.org  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Get help….

now, is never

what do I mean by that, not sure really sure, could mean a lot of different things…
could it mean that it will never hapen? not really sure…
does it mean now, is never.?
questions, taking things apart, reading too much into something that is simple.
we all feel lost at sometime during our living… it could be what we have done or what others have done to us. we mask our feelings, we don’t cry out loud…
my saving in my life has always been music, as I am sure it is the same for many.
when you hear certain songs and been know through something that you can relate to , you make the song part of what is going on for comfort… you sing it all day long, you write the words down so you can see and read between the lines. this was written for me, even if you don’t know me.
this world can be harsh, uncaring for many different reasons.  why do some go out of their way to hurt you, dash your dreams ….  you wonder when you will get your chance in life, when you will start living, when the fear will stop.  when does it become easy?

the thoughts of each day runs through your mind, why did that happen, what should I have done different?  no, you can’t control things that you can’t control.  people are different, have a different thought streams, look at things in their minds, become blinded by the bright light and be able to see who is coming out of the shadows.  always ready for others to tell us we are wrong or not important.  way is it hard to be good to others, let them be who they are, undersatnd they are here for a reason….  what does it matter what they do, is it hurting you, why it make you go away…

I feel this way a lot about things that I try to understand and just grasp it….

Screw you Judgy McJudgerson!!!

Originally posted on Nyf's Guide to Life.:

Tonight’s blog is about something that happens to me almost every single day. Judgment. I firmly believe that being some what judgmental is simply human nature. I do however also believe that there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed. I do live in a small North Georgia town that I adore, but, living in a small town has it’s cons. People are not as cultured as those in a big city. Unfortunately, this leads to assumptions about certain types of people that are usually down right stupid! Most of us, wherever you’re from, teach our children not to hate someone because of their skin color, or sexual orientation. We direct them to accept all people no matter their religion, weight, height and any other physical or mental issue. So then why do so many of us discriminate against the choices people make to do to their own body? I…

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Me and My Depressed State of Mind…

I live in a deep and dark abyss.  I try so hard to get out of this abyss.  But the weight of my sadness keeps me below the surface.  It’s not like on those commercials where a little pill instantly makes the world a better place.  Depression can be a lifetime of dark clouds, following us like a lost puppy.  It also still holds shame; we don’t want people to think we are not normal.  It is hard for me to talk about my depression.  I keep it secret from others.  I don’t let anyone in, they won’t understand.  I am tired a great deal of the time and find it hard to get out of bed.  It is safe here, I don’t have to deal. 

I don’t talk about it with my family or friends. Do they really want to listen?  Do they care?  They have their own lives to worry about and don’t need to know about miserable my life.

I feel so alone in this fight.  My mind is slow.  My anger is strong.  The pain is real.  The world scares me, chases me to stay inside, away from people and things I was interested in a long time ago.  I have felt this way for the last two decades plus…

I am not the best writer in the world for several reasons.  One reason is that I have a Learning Disability (LD).  School was a huge challenge for me.  I was not diagnosed until I was in my thirties with LD.  I did go through some classes that helped somewhat, but I still have trouble with writing.  And another is I am afraid I will appear stupid or you don’t understand what I am writing about, mental blockers. So what you get in this Blog is not totally correct in the grammar department oh well… And I am glad for spell check.  I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me.  But I want to get this out in the open so I can stop living a lie.  I AM DEPRESSED AND HAVE PTSD-MST. 

I have been through some stuff in my life.  At times I really felt like I was going to lose it and did at one point. I ended up in the Mental Ward at Tripler Army Hospital in Hawaii; I was serving in the US Coast Guard at the time. And well, this is another story I’ll write about in another post. 

We can understand physical ailments, but when it comes to the mind we still are in the dark.  It is something that is not talked about in polite circles. What a bunch crap that is and an excuse not to deal with us.  Do you think you will end up with a mental health issue?  Are we that scared?  Are we that ashamed?  I feel shame; it is very hard for me to say I am Depressed with PSTD.  

Are you afraid you don’t know what to say?  Ask me anything and it is my choice to answer you or not.  Please, don’t use the word crazy.  It is cruel to say and for us to hear.  It hurts and those word leave scares and makes healing even harder. 

Do I deserve for you to be so judgmental?  Are really better than me?  Have you lived my life?  That of course would be impossible. 

 I am a DEPRESSED-PTSD-MST Womyn… 

This is no logic or flow in this Blog, I am writing as my mind goes along, so I’ll be jumping around, just like I do in real life. 

In today’s world we are so wrapped up in technology.  We are creating a lonelier world.  Everything is instant.  We need it now and we have no patience for snails.  The world comes at us not only from TV,  but our computers, cell phones, etc… And all those geeks out there are working hard to make it even faster…  Superman was faster than a speeding bullet.  Now the bullets are faster.  Why I am blabbing on about this, because I believe there is a connection for why so many people are DEPRESSED today.  

The failure of the economy is another huge factor for the increasing numbers.  Do you think anyone was happy during the Great Depression?  The pressure is overwhelming. 

Wow, I really did go off, but like I said it is my Blog and I am trying to figure out the relationship I have with DEPRESSION. 

We can feel depressed for many reasons.  Whatever is making you feel this way is real?  It touches you in all aspects of your life.   

Whew, I am done for this posting. 

More to come…

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