Originally posted on Nyf's Guide to Life.:
Tonight’s blog is about something that happens to me almost every single day. Judgment. I firmly believe that being some what judgmental is simply human nature. I do however also believe that there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed. I do live in a small North Georgia town that I adore, but, living in a small town has it’s cons. People are not as cultured as those in a big city. Unfortunately, this leads to assumptions about certain types of people that are usually down right stupid! Most of us, wherever you’re from, teach our children not to hate someone because of their skin color, or sexual orientation. We direct them to accept all people no matter their religion, weight, height and any other physical or mental issue. So then why do so many of us discriminate against the choices people make to do to their own body? I am moderately tattooed and fairly heavily pierced. I suppose you could consider my style as “alternative.” I can not go anywhere in my little town without being stared at in disgust. I only actually wear one piercing in my face (a septum), and my visible tattoos are on my arms. It’s not like I’m walking around with derma horns, or a tatted up face! It happens the most when I am with my children, and that enrages me. It’s not that I care about what the people think of me, it’s really more that it makes me so sad to think that people are really like that. These people know nothing about me. They nothing about me as a mother. They just form ridiculous theories about who I am off of a 15 second glimpse. Maybe if they took the time to get to know me they would be pretty damn surprised to learn a few things! I am a christian, I am married to my high school sweetheart, I am kind, I will help anyone that I can, I have an amazing relationship with my parents and siblings, I truly love my in-laws, and I adore my children. I have never been arrested, I was an A student, I took honors classes, I never skipped school a day in my life, I don’t have a drug or alcohol problem, and I never even sneaked out! Sometimes people even make comments. An elderly man did today and the hubbs was with me. It was the first time he has been there and actually witnessed this happening. He was a bit shocked. I was too when I realized that the man didn’t say anything to my heavily tattooed husband. I guess women are not allowed to express themselves in the same way as men! When I was a teenager a lot of people wouldn’t let their kids hang out with me thinking that I was a bad influence. That was back when The Craft had just came out and people at school would line up and down the halls when I came through and scream “WITCH” at me. After a while these parents realized that I was not a threat to the well being of their children. Most of them apologized once they figured out who I was. It only took getting to know me! I was no pregnant teen or burnout! I am beautiful inside and out, I am interesting, and I am worth the time it takes to figure out who I am. Next time you’re out and about and you come across someone who looks different than your idea of “normal,” or “beautiful” just smile at them. Do not start passing absurd judgement on them. Remember that they are people, they have feelings, and they might just be one of the most amazing people that you have ever met. Ted Bundy was an attractive, charming man and he killed women and then went back and raped their corpses. You just can’t judge a book by it’s cover. Period. So to all you Judgy McJudgersons…..I forgive your ignorance, but learn from us. And to all your freaks, let your freak flag fly and forget what everyone else thinks!!!
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I live in a deep and dark abyss. I try so hard to get out of this abyss. But the weight of my sadness keeps me below the surface. It’s not like on those commercials where a little pill instantly makes the world a better place. Depression can be a lifetime of dark clouds, following us like a lost puppy. It also still holds shame; we don’t want people to think we are not normal. It is hard for me to talk about my depression. I keep it secret from others. I don’t let anyone in, they won’t understand. I am tired a great deal of the time and find it hard to get out of bed. It is safe here, I don’t have to deal.
I don’t talk about it with my family or friends. Do they really want to listen? Do they care? They have their own lives to worry about and don’t need to know about miserable my life.
I feel so alone in this fight. My mind is slow. My anger is strong. The pain is real. The world scares me, chases me to stay inside, away from people and things I was interested in a long time ago. I have felt this way for the last two decades plus…
I am not the best writer in the world for several reasons. One reason is that I have a Learning Disability (LD). School was a huge challenge for me. I was not diagnosed until I was in my thirties with LD. I did go through some classes that helped somewhat, but I still have trouble with writing. And another is I am afraid I will appear stupid or you don’t understand what I am writing about, mental blockers. So what you get in this Blog is not totally correct in the grammar department oh well… And I am glad for spell check. I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. But I want to get this out in the open so I can stop living a lie. I AM DEPRESSED AND HAVE PTSD-MST.
I have been through some stuff in my life. At times I really felt like I was going to lose it and did at one point. I ended up in the Mental Ward at Tripler Army Hospital in Hawaii; I was serving in the US Coast Guard at the time. And well, this is another story I’ll write about in another post.
We can understand physical ailments, but when it comes to the mind we still are in the dark. It is something that is not talked about in polite circles. What a bunch crap that is and an excuse not to deal with us. Do you think you will end up with a mental health issue? Are we that scared? Are we that ashamed? I feel shame; it is very hard for me to say I am Depressed with PSTD.
Are you afraid you don’t know what to say? Ask me anything and it is my choice to answer you or not. Please, don’t use the word crazy. It is cruel to say and for us to hear. It hurts and those word leave scares and makes healing even harder.
Do I deserve for you to be so judgmental? Are really better than me? Have you lived my life? That of course would be impossible.
I am a DEPRESSED-PTSD-MST Womyn…
This is no logic or flow in this Blog, I am writing as my mind goes along, so I’ll be jumping around, just like I do in real life.
In today’s world we are so wrapped up in technology. We are creating a lonelier world. Everything is instant. We need it now and we have no patience for snails. The world comes at us not only from TV, but our computers, cell phones, etc… And all those geeks out there are working hard to make it even faster… Superman was faster than a speeding bullet. Now the bullets are faster. Why I am blabbing on about this, because I believe there is a connection for why so many people are DEPRESSED today.
The failure of the economy is another huge factor for the increasing numbers. Do you think anyone was happy during the Great Depression? The pressure is overwhelming.
Wow, I really did go off, but like I said it is my Blog and I am trying to figure out the relationship I have with DEPRESSION.
We can feel depressed for many reasons. Whatever is making you feel this way is real? It touches you in all aspects of your life.
Whew, I am done for this posting.
More to come…