Tonight's blog is about something that happens to me almost every single day. Judgment. I firmly believe that being some what judgmental is simply human nature. I do however also believe that there is a line that shouldn't be crossed. I do live in a small North Georgia town that I adore, but, living in a small town has it's cons.
I live in a deep and dark abyss. I try so hard to get out of this abyss. But the weight of my sadness keeps me below the surface. It’s not like on those commercials where a little pill instantly makes the world a better place. Depression can be a lifetime of dark clouds, following us like a lost puppy. It also still holds shame; we don’t want people to think we are not normal. It is hard for me to talk about my depression. I keep it secret from others. I don’t let anyone in, they won’t understand. I am tired a great deal of the time and find it hard to get out of bed. It is safe here, I don’t have to deal.
I don’t talk about it with my family or friends. Do they really want to listen? Do they care? They have their own lives to worry about and don’t need to know about miserable my life.
I feel so alone in this fight. My mind is slow. My anger is strong. The pain is real. The world scares me, chases me to stay inside, away from people and things I was interested in a long time ago. I have felt this way for the last two decades plus…
I am not the best writer in the world for several reasons. One reason is that I have a Learning Disability (LD). School was a huge challenge for me. I was not diagnosed until I was in my thirties with LD. I did go through some classes that helped somewhat, but I still have trouble with writing. And another is I am afraid I will appear stupid or you don’t understand what I am writing about, mental blockers. So what you get in this Blog is not totally correct in the grammar department oh well… And I am glad for spell check. I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. But I want to get this out in the open so I can stop living a lie. I AM DEPRESSED AND HAVE PTSD-MST.
I have been through some stuff in my life. At times I really felt like I was going to lose it and did at one point. I ended up in the Mental Ward at Tripler Army Hospital in Hawaii; I was serving in the US Coast Guard at the time. And well, this is another story I’ll write about in another post.
We can understand physical ailments, but when it comes to the mind we still are in the dark. It is something that is not talked about in polite circles. What a bunch crap that is and an excuse not to deal with us. Do you think you will end up with a mental health issue? Are we that scared? Are we that ashamed? I feel shame; it is very hard for me to say I am Depressed with PSTD.
Are you afraid you don’t know what to say? Ask me anything and it is my choice to answer you or not. Please, don’t use the word crazy. It is cruel to say and for us to hear. It hurts and those word leave scares and makes healing even harder.
Do I deserve for you to be so judgmental? Are really better than me? Have you lived my life? That of course would be impossible.
I am a DEPRESSED-PTSD-MST Womyn…
This is no logic or flow in this Blog, I am writing as my mind goes along, so I’ll be jumping around, just like I do in real life.
In today’s world we are so wrapped up in technology. We are creating a lonelier world. Everything is instant. We need it now and we have no patience for snails. The world comes at us not only from TV, but our computers, cell phones, etc… And all those geeks out there are working hard to make it even faster… Superman was faster than a speeding bullet. Now the bullets are faster. Why I am blabbing on about this, because I believe there is a connection for why so many people are DEPRESSED today.
The failure of the economy is another huge factor for the increasing numbers. Do you think anyone was happy during the Great Depression? The pressure is overwhelming.
Wow, I really did go off, but like I said it is my Blog and I am trying to figure out the relationship I have with DEPRESSION.
We can feel depressed for many reasons. Whatever is making you feel this way is real? It touches you in all aspects of your life.
Whew, I am done for this posting.
More to come…